emotional dumpsite

im excited. truly and overly jumping over the fences excited for my big day. well,im guessing it wont be the grandest birthday i’ll ever have but it might be one of the most memorable. for my last celebration here in dumaguete, i’ve decided to invite all of my closest friends from college to join me for a special dinner. a night of food, friends, fun…excited na lageh kow

and of course, GIFTS. who wouldn’t want to receive tons of birthday presents right? and so to make things easier for those who are willing to scrape some dough out of their wallets for me (iforgive me, this is the only time of the year where im allowed to be self-centered), i’ve decided to make a birthday list :

1. Possession by a.s. byatt

i’ve read an exerpt from this novel in The Time Traveler’s Wife ( which is one of my favorite books ever) and i fell in love with these lines :

‘”  what is it my dear?”

“ ah, how can we bear it?”

“bear what?”

“this. for so short a time. hw can we sleep this time away?”

“we can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world.”

” and every day we have less. and then none.”

” no. this is where i have always been coming to. since my time began. and when i go away from here, this will be the id-point, to which everything will run. but now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere.”

need i say more? *gush*

2. a cute yellow hoodie with cartoon thingy print

imagine this with cartoon thingies…

cute ^_^

for the rainy days, you know… hehehe

nice for snuggling… ^_^

3. purple pumps

to go with my white kamiseta dress with purple buttons… hahaha..

i’ve also been having an obsession with purple lately… so yah, go figure.

4. spring green sony vaio

hey… i can dream right? hehehe… give me this and i’ll do anything for you in return.. even if i have to  wash  you up after you  poo2x.. nyahahahahah

5. a very fat bank account kanang nai sulod jud ha

6. all my favorite food!!!!!!! and banana desserts too ^_^

7. a fluffy pink towel

8. the complete akazukin cha cha OR rave anime series that i’ve wanting na for soooooo long

9. a date with this guy: (hahaha! if not possible, geh nalang, si jb nalang..hmph.. )

10. a collection of roald dahl’s books or tim burton’s movies ^_^

11. a cute white all around clutch-purse…pleeeeeeeeease!

hmmm… im pretty sure there are still a lot of other things i want pa, but i think this list won’t stop growing if i don’t stop at number eleven. nyaha. so there you have it dear friends, family, *ahem* admirers (hahaha feeeeeeeeeeeler)…my birthday list 2008! ^_^

what have i been doing lately? sleep, cook, eat, surf the net, watch tv, sleep, cook, eat, watch tv, surf the net, sleep, cook, eat, surf the net, watch tv, sleep, cook… you get the picture.

ive been wasting my life away. mental exercise has been non existent for the past week. im gaining weight (which is probably the only good thing i’ve achieved with this routine).and what’s worst, im rusty. hard rough metal rusty with all the clinkety clink of cold metal.  i cant think creatively, i cant think beyond what’s there for lunch, i cant force myself away from spacing off during review class. i feel pretty productive right now actually. not.

must be the effect of post graduation hurrahs. thinking that you now have time all the time in the world at the palm of your hands, and having the option to spend them little by little or all at once. apparently, i chose the latter. regrets? only a few. i’ve been having a blast lounging in front of the television and swimming in my bed all morning. ah. the luxury of time.nyaha.

but i do realize that i have to wake up and eventually live in the reality. responsibilites, priorities, bills to pay, clothes to wash, sucking up to your employer to get that promotion… they’re all waiting for me. clamoring.excitedly whispering my name over and over in an orgasmic chant. (forgive my language. i guess this is what cheeky meant by me becoming mature in my writings.haha.)these voices, they’re like the cast of a play. and im the lead player. somehow, we are all connected in a series of uneventful happenings with only one goal in mind. to reach a spectacular climax, the grand finale of my life. so that when the curtain call comes, i will be able to bow proudly to the audience for having delivered an outstanding job at playing the role of being myself. maybe i’ll even get and award for that. post humous Oscar of course. maybe like Heath Ledger if he’d win next year.(why do you always have to be dead to find out if you’re any good?).

im getting rusty again.

New year, new me. I wish. It’s
always easier said than done. And for the record, I haven’t, in my entire
20years of living in this world, made and kept a resolution at all. Seriously.
I give meaning to the saying, “promises are made to be broken”.

So this year is supposed to be
very lucky, according to them Chinese. Thank you, lucky number 8. Maybe I will
be successful with my list of resolutions for this year then.

1. Gain weight. My stomach, to quote my
        best guy friend RF, is a bottomless pit and it never rests. Yes, I eat a
        lot. 2 cups of rice is the usual serving I get during meals. Snacks
        compose of a hamburger or pancit canton, and always paired with other
        heavy stuff. I maintain a VERY sedentary lifestyle, but still, my body
        weight remains at 113 pounds. What the hell is wrong with me? No matter
        how many calories I consume per day, I never get fat. Just yesterday, a
        good friend of mine told me that “ganiwang ko”. Uh hello? This is like, a
        week after the holidays and I did absolutely nothing but binge and sleep
        at every chance I could get. Now she’s telling me that I’ve gotten
        thinner? Res ipsa loquitur. The thing speaks for itself. Crap. (my head is
        still with nursing law and jurisprudence, forgive me). I need more fat
        inside my system. I’ve become so hypothermic already and it’s not doing me
        any good at all. Please help me. Pleeeeease. Maybe I need something more
        other than just food and sleep.

And oh, I just
realized. This is not a resolution at all. Wenk XD

2. Be a better girlfriend :p. ah yes,
        I need to do him a favor this year. Give him a break from all the bipolar
        episodes I constantly throw at him. Of course, there’s always this list of
        meaningless justifications for all the unreasonable actions that I always
        give him, but that’s what all crazy people do. I always find ways to make
        everything hard for him. I can’t help it…. Sometimes it’s just so much…fun
        anyway if you’re reading this j, I
        do love you. You know that. And I have weird ways of showing it. Lucky
        you. Not
3. Grow up. I’m stuck at an age where
        I feel responsible for a lot of things that happen in my life, but I don’t
        really do anything about them. In my life, everything follows a straight
        path. I want to make curves, corners, and sharp U-turns. But no one would
        give that to me. I try to make these deviations. But so many things within
        myself stop me from doing so. I have to start breaking down walls and all
        other defenses in order for me to stop dreaming and wishing and just work
        for want I want instead. But i haven’t started yet. I don’t know when. I
        wish I could just grow up, you know? Take responsibility by the reins and
        just try to make the right decisions for myself.

What do I really
want? I want to be creative. I want to be an artist. I want to get on with
those natural highs in life. I want to escape, and take a moment to see life
the way all of us should see it – unassuming, unpredictable, and worry free. I
want to go back to the time when even the shortest mango tress seemed to big
for me to climb, when deep wells were believed to grant me my wishes and all of
my heart’s desires, when love was manifested in my mother’s cooking and my
father’s hugs. Then, maybe ill rediscover myself in the purest sense. In my
simplest form. Untainted and unknowledgeable about the pain and suffering in
this damn world. Then maybe il be closer to my soul than ever before, that even
its faintest whisper can be heard a thousand times louder. And then maybe I can
be me in the best possible way that I can. Just maybe.

I wish I could
just close my eyes and spin round and round and round until the earth gives me
up and swallows me whole into her very
depths. There I go again. Wishes.

 

And so with this
list of resolutions, I hope to start 2008 right. I know I could’ve made a
lengthier list, im not perfect after all and there is still so much to improve,
but my mind is starting to dry up and im getting hungry, sooo…this will have to
do in the meantime. I still have eleven more months of keeping these up. Hay
naku. Wish me luck

After all,
what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has
brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a
battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re
doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony. – paulo
coehlo

 

And so
here’s to you, my beloved, for the 25 months of blissful agony. May we
continually find pleasure in every anguish, laughter in every tear shed, and
peace after every fight (which is now a hobby :p). cheers!

 

 

It was the wind- the roar of it
outside the window, raking through my hair, racing through my veins, a great
thrum of it like a drum roll, like a surge of joy. If I leaned my head out as
far as I’d dare, I’d see the highway unraveling in front of me, the white lines
of the road streaking past and vanishing, like a story scrolling down too fast
for me to read.

 

It was almost midnight. In the
passenger’s seat, I was sitting next to the one person that made my heart beat
a thousand times than normal. But he didn’t know that, and I intended to keep
it that way - a sweet truth that I wanted to keep bottled up inside me. I
tugged at the polo shirt that was wrapped around my bare arms and shoulders – a
friend had lended it to me after the party to keep myself warm. Another wave of
the chilly wind gushed by, and I took a quick glance to the driver’s seat. He
was but a silhouette against the bright flashes of light from the road. Another
skip in heartbeat. Crap.

 

He kept talking to me on the way
home, and everything else outside – the roar of the wind, the rush of cars –
were completely drowned out, leaving only his voice for me to hear.

 

We were nearing my house when he
slowed down and parked the car near the side of the road, just a few houses
away from mine.

“Look, the moon’s nice.” He stuck
his head out of the car window and pointed to the vastness above us. Indeed,
the moon was very beautiful. She shone in her full radiance, big and almost
blinding, as if asking us, the only two people in the street who were very much
awake, if she could join us.

 

For some time, we remained that
way - talking, laughing, and exchanging bits and pieces of this and that. From
a distance, I could hear the neighborhood dogs- the “askals”, mind you-
howling, and a pair of luminescent eyes that belonged to a stray cat had its
gaze fixed on the bushes nearby. But I didn’t mind at all. Instead, I wished
for the night to stretch further still. It felt so amazing to be sharing that
moment together, and I never knew such comfort as the one that I found with
him.

 

And then, unexpectedly, he gently
reached out for my hand and laced his fingers around mine. I looked at our
interlocked fingers, and, as if feeling my stare, he squeezed my hand. I looked
at him and he flashed his disarming smile for a full minute. My friends had
always pegged me as passive and unromantic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t
believe in romance. I squeezed his hand in response, and gave a shy smile. (For
the record, it was probably the most positive response I ever gave to anyone
that time. manhid :p) We were both silent for some time, lost in an unspoken
understanding that only the two of us understood. But we needed no words. We
completely knew. And for that time being, it was enough for the both of us.

 

1. Where exactly were you at 3:18pm
yesterday?
waiting in line at the business office with kenny.

2. How did you get the idea for your
myspace name?
don’t have one.

3. What song are you listening to
right now?
some old madonna crap. kuya ken man gud T_T

4. What color is your phone?
sleek silver…(sounds expensive that way, hahaha)

5. Do you click on pop-ups?
nuh uh

6. Do you own an iPod?
nadah.

7. What was the first thing you
thought of this morning?
"kapoi bangon!!!!!!!!!!!" (and i never did. i missed fine arts clas…wahahaha!)

8. Is the person you have a crush on
older or younger than you?
lotsa gurl crushes! 0.0

9. What did you do last night?
watched a movie with friends, den eat out…sleep. :p

10. What do you hope to do this
weekend?
sleep some more =3

11. What are the last two digits of
your cellphone
86

12. What was the last thing that you
ate?
red curry chicken pasta…(which was so not red…)

13. Who is the last opposite sex that
you hugged?
kenny.

15. What do you dislike at the moment?
uh…

16. What food are u craving?
van houten. like the ones jb gave on valentines day :p

17. What did you dream last night?
i forgot. but jb, ritz, and some of the gulay gang were in it. nyahaha

18. What was the last TV show you
watched?
omg. wat is  TV?!0_o

19. What is your favorite piece of
jewelry?
earrings, definitely.

20. Name 2 people on your Top Friends:
ritz and jb? nyahaha

> 21. Do you always lock your door?
all the time

> 23. Are you on any medication?
just iron supplements for anemia

24. What side of the bed do you sleep
on?
both

25. What color shirt are you wearing?
pink

26. What is your favorite frozen treat?
any flan-ish dessert. weeeeeee!

27. How many piercings do you have and
where?
2 at my left ear and 3 at my right

28. What’s your favorite store?
nike.converse. im a shoe person

30. Who’s someone you haven’t seen in
a while?
everyone back home!

31. What was the last text you
recieved?
from jb, telling me to have fun…nyahaha

32. Do you care what people think
about you?
maybe

33. Have you ever done something to
make trouble?
i would love too

34. Where do you wish you were right
now?
my room in iligan T_T

35. What is your font color on YM/MSN?
green, if ever naa

36.Where do you live?
iligan, originally. but dumaguete is my 2nd home

39. Do you like the person who posted
this last?
nyahahah

40. Do you know his/her birthday?
uh…wala

41. What is the thing that you would
most like to change about you?
my normally fluffy hair?heehee

42. What words do you say a lot?
aw. weeee, really?! (accdg to mickey ni ha)

43. What do you smell like right now?
like a spring bouquet. wahahaha

44. What is ur favourite colour?
gree.yellow.brown.

45. Do you like mayo?
very much!

46. What do you tell yourself when
times get hard?
huhuhuhuuuuuuuuuuu

47. Would you ever sky dive?
yes, definitely!pleeeeeeaaaaase!!!!!

49. If you could say something to your
ex what would it be?
la kui ex. nyahahahahahahaha

50. Whos the last person you saw with
their shirt off?
that guy from new men’s….(shiver)…

51. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
to everyone, yes!

52. Have you ever been to Australia?
in my dreams.

53. Do you own a digital camera?
am not techie.

54. Do you own a laptop?
on its way to me na!cant wait

and here’s another one….nyahahaha mamatay mu ug binasa! "P

1.Best place to cry?
in bed. on my pillow. drama

2. The thing you love the most
right ventricle naku :C

3.Tell us your dream last night
uh, i already did…

4. Ever hate someone so bad?
uhm…. *evil grin*…… nope

5. The biggest & the most hurtful lie
you heard?
na lesbian kow…hahaha, but i was amused by that actually

6. Ever lied to someone you love the
most?
uhm…. *whistle*…. looking up the ceiling….

7. What’s the worst thing you’ve ever
done?
am not sure…

8. Wanna be someone else than your
self?
nuh uh!!!!!!!!:D

9. Ever slap someone?
sa play ra pud…

10. Last time u cried?
last week…hekhekhek…

11. Why are you crying?
basta

12. Biggest crush?
celebrity?catherine zeta jones. someone i know personally? tina.

13.Last mall you went to?
sm

14. Last memorable song that you’ve
heard?
uhm..thanks for the memories? hahaha, "one night stand oh!"

14. Last person who hates you?
ja? ambot. hahah

15. Biggest lie you said?
di man pud big aku lie :C

16. What u wanna say to someone that u
love?

17. What do u want to eat right now?
i wana drink coffee….my addiction 0.0

18. Have you EVER failed a subject at
school?
wala! :p

19. What’s on your mind?
coffee.

20. Honestly, who are you chatting
online right now?
ewie, i don’t chat.

21. What is it that you REALLY should
be doing right now?
laag kai panalagsa rani nga ma-free ku

22. Have you brushed your hair
today?
yep. all the time actually, but alai diffrence jpn…sad…

23. Who are your best friends in the
world?
daghan uie.

24. Honestly who do you think is the
hottest person alive?
candice. oooooh la la la….

25. Honestly, are you a good friend?
mura. haha

26. Honestly, do you really think going
to school is important?
yahuh

27. Honestly, what makes you happy most
of the time?
fooooood! especially when it’s shared with him…or kung libre

28. Honestly, what makes you so sad
about right now?
i wanna go home T_T but yaw ra sa founder’s

29.Honestly. Do you want to slap
someone right now? and WHY?
yah, i do wana slap someone. duha sila actually. but kasab-an ku ana. i made a pwamis na kaseh…

30.Honestly, what song are you
listening to right now?
some rasta stuff..

31. Honestly, who do you want to meet
at this very moment?
duh…T_T

32. Honestly, where do you like to be
kissed?
cheeks. mas cute

33. Honestly, do you have a deadly
disease?
im bipolar. really.

34. Honestly, do you hate someone right
now?
uhm… *evil grin again* wala uie… aku pah

after tonight, i will have to face another week in hell. and that’s definitely not a place for an angel like me (hahahah!:P shoot me now. I BEG YOU.)
i need to :
1. gain weight. SERIOUSLY. i’ve been getting negative feedbacks about how thin i look now… and constantly being on the verge of almost fainting in every NCM class doesn’t help either. mum, im sorry :C should have listened to you…
2. sleep more. i might need to ask the dean for help on this..yeah right….(rolls eyes)
3. grab a minor case before OR ends.  my major cases are ok…but come monday, if mu scrub si *aheheheh*, mag major nalang kow!!!!!weeeheeeheeeheee!
4. fix my hair. my original hair is starting to grow again… bummer…
5. read hp7. once my sister mails it in time for my birthday, that is…for now, il just drool everytime i pass national bookstore…*sigh* no pdf files! i want the original book. period.
6. save. founder’s week is coming ya’ll! and am gonna partaaaay!whoooooeeee!
7. collect 30 empty bottles of C2… for the org. a little help please?:D
8. do self-awareness. naks. unsa ni, nibalik kow ug psychia? bitaw ui… it’s for my own good…bawasan na ang gubot!
9. expect less. (ka-pila na ni gina-promise?)
10. buy new stuff for myself other than food. i was thinking of a hot pink bikini… whatya think?! LOL! :P

if you were a fruit, a vegetable or any kind of food, what would you be?
have something in mind already?
fine, let’s narrow down the choices. you can either be a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean.
ok… now let’s say, the chief cook decides to, well, cook. he then puts you in a big pot of boiling water. what would then happen to you?!…
here’s what iv’e learned.
if we’re all carrots for the rest of our lives, we would easily get all soggy and soft with whatever difficulties would come our way.. we would be seared, bruised, mashed, pureed, and sadly, no one would want us then… i mean, who likes soggy carrots for dinner right? (sorry kat =P)
now, if we would all be eggs… we would appear the same- unfazed and unaffacted, after a dip in the boiling water. but on the inside, we’re all hard, firm and tough. that’s good right? well, not really… what if that boiling water turned out to be a fight with your mum, or a very horrible midterm grade?  we would become bitter, unwilling to forgive, and out for revenge to those who caused us shame and pain. basically, it’s worst than being a carrot.
so what about if we were all coffee beans? in the first two, the boiling water changed how these foods are made of. but in this case, it’s the coffee bean that would affect the water. the water would turn dark, aromatic and would even be quite delicious…yum
it’s just like being in college… it’s either we enjoy or endure it…some people have taken advantage of the fun side.. the independence, the freedom, the late night booze sessions and basically every wild thing that teenagers are expected to be doing..but some stay for their last four years in school just because they have to… and that’s why they endure doing something they don’t really want to do..
i’ve been a carrot during the last three years…and sometimes im a hard boiled egg.. but now, am working my way towards becoming the coffee bean that would change history so bring it on level IV!

p.s.
my point is this: ayaw pag nursing sa silliman!waaaaaaaa!

il tell you what i have learned:

Love is…

dawgie and kitty

blue and yellow

dancing under the rain

enjoying thumb wars

a slave for a day bet

ponkan for the voiceless

crushed muffin for the adik

cupcakes on your birthday

a warm sweater during colds nights

the penguin with the same heart song as yours

lazy afternoon drives

movie marathons

binge eating

a piggyback ride

fireworks and dinner by candlelight

going to church together

dreaming and wishing together

being near each other… no matter how far you are

….which later BECOME…

O_o

’nuff said.