emotional dumpsite

lately I’ve been feeling most alive during dawntime. at night, when i allow my dreams to lure me into their shadows, i show no struggle, but then I’d find myself waking up in the middle of the night to the trickle of cold sweat down my back. the next i know, i’d b tossing and turning and be filled with some kind of restless energy that never seems to leave me until the first light of daybreak.

i guess we do reach a time in our lives when we feel like growing up isn’t any fun as being grown up. i had been in it for the ride and for all that’s to come, but the train im on has lost control and now i’m spearheading towards a dead end. it was fun at first. anticipation is fun. like when you receive a big brown package with your name in it. or when you open a cereal bow. it’s agonizing for the most part, but it does leave you feeling alive. and that’s how I’ve been getting my feelings lately. i see all my emotions being stepped upon by a hundred pairs of feet on the sidewalk but i never stop to pick them up. it’s hard to do that. they are too many, each one so violent that if i collect all and place them in the same container all at once, I’d be left with nothing in the end. so i let them be. it’s a struggle that involves more than just physical force. it’s a battle between the heart and mind and i have become the battlefield. inside, confusion sets in, the world turns black and all the dead stars in heaven ask me to join them. am i like that now? am i all burnt out? youth can only get me anywhere. it doesn’t give any answers. only old age can do that. i feel like i’m growing old before my time but still i can’t sink into the waters of maturity. not when i still have my lifejacket on. damn it.

and so i write candid thoughts. meaningless words that have so much to tell. those alchemists had it wrong. there is no fountain of youth. in this life, all you get are everyday reminders like IDs or membership renewal forms that mock and laugh at you in the face, as they scream in big, bold numbers that define you year by year. but they don’t mean anything at all. old age only becomes a reality when you start feeling old.

i realized how easy it is to go through each milestone in my life and back. i can still feel like a 2 year old and do potty training everytime i feel like losing control. i can be 17 and fall in love for the first time everytime he tells me he loves me. i can be 25 and struggle to live independently everytime i open my wallet and realize that i’m broke. i can be 35 and be at the peak of my career everytime i get the highest grades in class.i can be 50 and worry about emerging wrinkles on my face everytime i look in the mirror after a long night of paperwork. i can  be 80 and lie still 6 feet below the ground everytime i feel doomed. we have all been there. whether we realize it or not, we have all seen what’s it like to be 20, 40 or 60. just because we haven’t aged doesn’t mean we haven’t experienced the same daily struggles that await us in the future. we only just have to do the same things over and over again.

life is divine. but along the way, i screwed up. i got more than just cuts and bruises. but for what it’s worth, the crash was absolutely perfect. i fell deep. really deep. but I’m not looking for a way out of this shit. not yet. maybe never. maybe this is where I’ll stay young forever.

and now i begin to see light in the horizon. my euphoric state slowly wanes and the damned phantom that visits me every night creeps away subtlety. he’ll be back again. to get me high on paradoxes. but i don’t mind so much now.

People ask questions. What makes the sky blue? How does a camera work? Who’s going to win the election? When will all the stars in the heaven burn out? Why?
Of all these, the “why” question is the most intriguing – and probably the hardest to answer. We ask why our neighbors have a new car and we don’t. We ask why our friends never seem to understand our problems. We ask why our parents always seem to find something to reprimand us about. We ask why we aren’t we like other people who are far better off than us. We ask and ask and ask and ask some more. We ask about the most trivial, the most mundane and stupidest things we can ever think of! And because things like these do not have any explanation to them, we end up frustrated because we are unsatisfied. Bummer, huh?

The why question is my most favorite type. Even as a kid I’d be asking nonstop about anything I could ever think of.

“why did sleeping beauty sleep for such a long time?”

“because she was under a spell, dear..”

“why was she under a spell?”

“because an evil fairy cursed her since birth..”

“why was she cursed, mommy?”

“because the evil fairy wasn’t invited by the king and queen to sleeping beauty’s birthday party. She became angry and thus, cursed the baby princess to sleep for a hundred years.”
“oh…ok…so why did she sleep for such a long time?….”
0_o

one might think me slow, but I prefer to the word “inqusitive”. That insatiable thirst for hard facts would occasionally send me to bed crying over my frustrations. It was hard for me to accept things that cannot be explained, things that go around in cyclic explanations. And it’s hard for me still. It has caused a lot of pain, not only to me, but most especially to my loved ones. To the most important people in my life. To those who never left me, and never will. But now, it has probably come to a point where one of them doesn’t want to stay any longer. Because if he does, he’ll probably just end up in a wild circus of petty arguments and useless wiles. Cant blame him.

I understand, but it’s hard to accept that some things will just never make any sense at all. Why? :c

why am i still here? the university is starting to feel like a ghost town, that even the faintest sound of a pin drop could resonate beyond the school portals (pun intended). those frisbee playing surfer dudes that gather round the amphitheater every afternoon are now gone - and are now off to soak up the summer sun *drool*. the weekly paper has stopped circulating; no more updates on the what’s-in-what’s-not in the student government; the kiosks have closed (cba peepz come back!),no midweek youth church services, dorm devotions, cafeteria food for those who are unfortunate (am saved, wahahaha), ID obsssesed guards (oops, still here pa diay but not as obssessed as they ordinarily would), etc…. you get the picture.. even the foreign students who can usually be found in every city corner (take for example, the korean’s affinity for the taho man, the iranian’s headquarter’s at steds or them caucasians at Lab-as) are now gone (from massive proliferation to massive diaspora?). and the ones who graduated two days ago are now bumming around in their homes after a booze-filled night of endless Hayahay partying. everyone has left and i had been to busy to notice. the only excitement that’s happening around here is the grand opening of McDonald’s…. is that even worth telling? duh.
these things remind me once again that indeed, dumaguete city is the country’s university town. without the students, this city would be in the dumps.more than half of the total population are the students, and more than half of them still, are not from dumaguete themselves (this is geography class, children). as the famous saying goes, "silliman is not in dumaguete….. rather, dumaguete is in silliman." :p
despite the apathy of everything though… i cant wait for this week to be over… sure, it’s quiet here, it’s peaceful, it’s serene… but i love it… and ill be sharing this with him by the end of the week
can’t wait for you to come here

awash in the moonlight
beautiful in the dark
tonight i’ll take your hand in mine
and tiptoe upon water
walk through walls
chase the sun.
yet when morning comes
to carry you away
from a corner i’ll watch
the miracle held out in front
and you shall be bathe in the fading shadows
baeutiful in the dawn.

did it ever occur to you that maybe
you’ve only just been swept off your
feet by a moonshadow, instead of waiting
for that little ray of sunshine to come
and pick you up instead? hay naku….
they’re all the same. damn it.
ang labo…napaka labo talaga ng world..
praning kasi ang isa dito. tse!
nagleletse na ako dito. and this is so
not me. kahit man lang mang tagalog.
hindi kasi ako marunong. alter ego ko
to.hahah. cornix na ha. allen, tama na.

my life was going so well ha, azn sobra. ayun, naniwala pa kasi… estupida. reach for the stars and take the plunge ka nga. my a**. if there’s a will, may gulong. pag wala, eh di maglakad. simple.

can i just be normal for once?!!! eh kaso, ang problema nanggagaling sa’ken. magmahal pa ba naman nang kapwa babae. 0ops. hahahahahahahaha!

o, ayan! do yo feel good about that? not all girls are pretty. especially when you make one believe that only she is the prettiest among all others. hindi yan nakakapayaman!hoi ulol! lol…lol…lol..

i know you want me to come home. but have you even asked me if i want to?

ah, wait muna. is it perfect? only you know better.

Ewan ko
bah. I’m not exactly the best person in the world lately. I thought
I was over my unreasonable depressive state, but I guess I’m wrong.
Life is a divine chaos, or so they say. It’s either you ace an exam
or flunk it. You either speak the truth or lie and cheat. Get
inspired or get depressed. Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Smell the flowers or step on the grass. Yin and yang. Masculine and
feminine. Pooh and piglet. Yah.

The
thing is, cant there be room for neutrality? The world around us is
so fabricated by these sets if ideals that we are expected to live up
to. And in the long run, you either triumph or get exhausted trying.
If you succeed, you are expected to do more. If you fail, you have to
bear the rest of the world’s judgment. Now that’s unfair.

Damn
it. All I’ve been getting lately are stupid stereotypical comments
from people who think they’re doing me a favor when in fact they’re
not. Cant they understand that maybe there are times when I actually
choose to be withdrawn so I can reflect on my chaos? And then as soon
as I say that, the warm hugs and reassuring pats are replaced by
googly, teary eyed and sullen faces.

“We
care. We can make you feel better.”

Can we
please not shift the focus on yourselves! If you care about me, then
stop trying to make yourselves victims of my confusion. A
feeling-expressing me exists only in the subconscious and I choose
not to let that self resurface. Thank you.

“You’ve
always been so manhid”

Well
I’m sorry if crying over romance movies (pathetic) is not my thing,
but did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m just different? Spare
me. Please.

Anyway,
after that outburst, he took me for a walk around the campus. And we
ended up at my favorite NY walk. The place where we first held hands.
The moment when he decided that it was my hand that he wanted to hold
on to forever. And that made me feel better. A lot better.

Under
the flickering lamppost and the light of the silvery moon, I drifted
in to a dreamless sleep.

A lover
of words and a worder of love… What is the difference?

could there be a you without them? could there be darkness without their pleas? can life be possible without those voices that steal the night? could there be a a place for you between waking and dreaming, away from what is real and what is not?

they are running away from the past that has made them what they are right now. constantly hoping no one will grab them back…through their tiresome quest out into the light of dead stars…

the fault is not theirs. there is a reason why we exist.

it is for us to accept. it is for us to care. it is for us love.

the most beautiful heart can be greater than the most beautiful mind of all.

more often than not, the world delights in these so called ironies that display a more vivid, but confusing picture of what something really is. reality is distorted in order for us to see something which we would rather prefer. detached involvement. deafening silence. bittersweet. bound freedom. and it is in these complexities that human beings find satisfaction in.

"for reality is but a dichotomy of both joys and tears"

is it? being in the ideal is how i have always lived my life. but then sooner or later, you find that there are just some things that you can never ever change.

here’s a quote(dylie, i am plaigarizing, hope you dont mind…wahahaha):

"Most girls say they want a fairy tale but a boy taught me that it’s
not really what I want. I want someone who will make fun of me, laugh
at my jokes even if they aren’t funny & someone that wrestles with
me and doesn’t let me win just because I’m a girl; yeah riding off into
the sunset on a white horse would be nice but playing thumb war with
him seems much better."♥

indeed.

this is my freudan slip. dont take this the wrong way. because i find reality more magical than fantasy.